Thursday, July 12, 2007
Single digits, people! Serenity, too
Readers- This is from an email to a wonderful, smart woman in Louisiana.
Moi is down to single digits. Next week will be my last week. Friday the 20th I want to come to work and say good-bye to everyone. That night will be another session with my small son and his shrink, and then I'll spend the entire weekend with him. I might take him for a ride out to Sonora, about two hours away, to see what the place is like. It's out of the commute area, but still close enough that I could make the two-hour custody trek every other week. Gotta see how that works out. My ex will be difficult, but that's up to her. The week of the 23rd will be my time to clean up the house, do the yardwork, and see about getting my cars fixed. But the house comes first. If I move two hours away, I can always rent a car carrier and schlepp my projects there, along with a U-Haul van for the other stuff. If nothing within two hours becomes a Good Choice, then I'll see about cramming it all into a 40-foot container and sending it to ... oh, Texas? But my crystal ball gets hazy beyond the next few weeks of house maintenance.
More mundane ittems: My truck's fifth gear went out. Took it to the shop where the guy opened up the transmission and showed me the worn shaft. He said I shouldn't tow in fifth because it's overdrive and the diesel motor puts out too much torque for such a small gear. The solution is an aftermarket splitter from Escondido’s “Gear Vendors.” I can leave it in fourth and hit the overdrive, and I lose only two miles per hour, about right for towing. When I'm not towing, I'll get 22% lower RPM, so my mileage will go up. All that's the good part. the bad part is it'll cost me nearly $7K to get this done. Since I intend to keep my truck forever and I intend to do a lot of towing, I think I'm doing the right, albeit costly, thing. ... The '86 Volvo lost its "rubber coupling," a rubber disk that goes between the transmission and the drive shaft. My big son found one at a Volvo-only store in San Pablo, we got it and installed it last Monday. Now the Volvo is smoother than ever. That was a cheap $100 fix. But it happened right after my truck went out, so I used my son’s girlfriend’s car for a day or two. When you need a spare car, you need a spare car, right? So I'm OK with the Volvo. My truck might be back to me next week sometime. 'Twould be good to give him a shake-down ride (in the new low-RPM mode) with with my small son on the weekend.
Other stuff- This may take a bit. It seems my life has been crammed with day-to-day concerns. I have little time for personal educational goals, like reading. I follow the newspapers and watch PBS news, but that doesn't allow my mind to stretch like yours is doing. The last bit of intense stuff I read was "The Art of War" by Sun Tsu. Great philosopy, and not the mindless "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out" approach to winning. But that was a few years ago, well before my marriage crumbled.
I envy you because you continue to be more intellectual than I. Using my inferential skills (you judge how they might be adequate or not), I compare my attitude with yours and find I've become less cerebral and more emotional. Not spiritual, not even physical. My mental prowess is a tool to provide some satisfaction. It seems to me, your intellect's own ability is the source of your satisfaction, while for me it's satisfaction that I crave, and I get there by finding a way with my intellect. Does that make sense to you? It feels like I'm putting the emotional cart before the intellectual horse, compared to you. But this works, for me.
I have my spiritual moments- like when I'm in my garden. I also have some physical moments, when I feel both strong and very mortal. But those things creep into the spiritual realm. However, I continue to put intellectual pursuits on the back burner because I feel swamped with other concerns like divorce, retirement, my younger son, and their concomitant concerns like finance, time, and my own dwindling energy.
And I ask myself why I bother telling you all this. I don't know. I feel safe doing so, and I think you will reciprocate in your own way. You've already trusted me beyond what seemed prudent at the time. I contrast today with two years ago- I dreamed of divorce, retiring, going somewhere on my own, yadda yadda. Today, I'm three months single, a week plus from being unchained to my job. I'm two weeks from pulling weeds in the rose beds, sweeping leaves from the yard, and doing a lot of general sprucing up.
(Digression alert: I'll need some time to get those multitude of chores done- the downstairs toilet tank, the tub's lines, my son’s girlfriend’s dresser, my matchlock, the trees trimmed (though it might not be good to do that right now), removing the dead magnolia tree, digging up the ton of berries trying to get into my yard, removing the neighbor's ivy from my garden shed, cleaning out said shed, trimming the wisteria, making a few trips to the dumps with an old TV, old garden hose, remainders from my broken camper shell, yadda yadda. And then I've gotta deal with my project cars- the Mazda needs a motor, my F-100 needs a new gas tank, the LTD needs some motor work, I've gotta lose that parts pickup, my old Suzuki needs some electrical work, Richie's motorcycle needs carb jets, his tiny motorcycle needs a crank seal, my old lawn mowers need some work, the front door needs refinishing, both decks need some attention, the lattice over the back deck needs replacing, the wallpaper in the master bath has to be repaired (My ex-wife started tearing it out, but only got it half torn away), the rugs need cleaning, the cement needs to be power-washed, annnnnd ... oh, maybe I've left out a few hundred things. Did I tell you more than you wanted to know? Hee, hee ...)
But I find a bit of serenity here- I have a few good constants going for me. I have my mind, which is apparently, if albeit subjectively, in working order. I have some measure of health. I have sufficient resources to survive moderately for awhile, and I have options. I can rent or sell my house; I can live nearby or far away; I can stay retired or I can find another job; I can remain a grumpy bachelor or I can attempt some sort of committment. And I have some good people on my side. I've got you to bounce ideas and emotions off, I've got my big son who is smarter and stronger than I am, I've got an amazing photographer friend in Australia who likes me the way I am, I've got my shrink and a former colleague in DC who convinced me to see a shrink in the first place. I've also got myself. I'm my own very good resource. Things aren't quite as good as they might have been, but nothing's so desperately hopeless that depression is the only consequence. My own Big Choices may turn out to be not the best- should I retire today and not next year? Perhaps, but the consequences won't be so terrible. Should I choose California and not Texas? Maybe, but either is pretty good.
Trepidation and anticipation. My blog grows.
Moi is down to single digits. Next week will be my last week. Friday the 20th I want to come to work and say good-bye to everyone. That night will be another session with my small son and his shrink, and then I'll spend the entire weekend with him. I might take him for a ride out to Sonora, about two hours away, to see what the place is like. It's out of the commute area, but still close enough that I could make the two-hour custody trek every other week. Gotta see how that works out. My ex will be difficult, but that's up to her. The week of the 23rd will be my time to clean up the house, do the yardwork, and see about getting my cars fixed. But the house comes first. If I move two hours away, I can always rent a car carrier and schlepp my projects there, along with a U-Haul van for the other stuff. If nothing within two hours becomes a Good Choice, then I'll see about cramming it all into a 40-foot container and sending it to ... oh, Texas? But my crystal ball gets hazy beyond the next few weeks of house maintenance.
More mundane ittems: My truck's fifth gear went out. Took it to the shop where the guy opened up the transmission and showed me the worn shaft. He said I shouldn't tow in fifth because it's overdrive and the diesel motor puts out too much torque for such a small gear. The solution is an aftermarket splitter from Escondido’s “Gear Vendors.” I can leave it in fourth and hit the overdrive, and I lose only two miles per hour, about right for towing. When I'm not towing, I'll get 22% lower RPM, so my mileage will go up. All that's the good part. the bad part is it'll cost me nearly $7K to get this done. Since I intend to keep my truck forever and I intend to do a lot of towing, I think I'm doing the right, albeit costly, thing. ... The '86 Volvo lost its "rubber coupling," a rubber disk that goes between the transmission and the drive shaft. My big son found one at a Volvo-only store in San Pablo, we got it and installed it last Monday. Now the Volvo is smoother than ever. That was a cheap $100 fix. But it happened right after my truck went out, so I used my son’s girlfriend’s car for a day or two. When you need a spare car, you need a spare car, right? So I'm OK with the Volvo. My truck might be back to me next week sometime. 'Twould be good to give him a shake-down ride (in the new low-RPM mode) with with my small son on the weekend.
Other stuff- This may take a bit. It seems my life has been crammed with day-to-day concerns. I have little time for personal educational goals, like reading. I follow the newspapers and watch PBS news, but that doesn't allow my mind to stretch like yours is doing. The last bit of intense stuff I read was "The Art of War" by Sun Tsu. Great philosopy, and not the mindless "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out" approach to winning. But that was a few years ago, well before my marriage crumbled.
I envy you because you continue to be more intellectual than I. Using my inferential skills (you judge how they might be adequate or not), I compare my attitude with yours and find I've become less cerebral and more emotional. Not spiritual, not even physical. My mental prowess is a tool to provide some satisfaction. It seems to me, your intellect's own ability is the source of your satisfaction, while for me it's satisfaction that I crave, and I get there by finding a way with my intellect. Does that make sense to you? It feels like I'm putting the emotional cart before the intellectual horse, compared to you. But this works, for me.
I have my spiritual moments- like when I'm in my garden. I also have some physical moments, when I feel both strong and very mortal. But those things creep into the spiritual realm. However, I continue to put intellectual pursuits on the back burner because I feel swamped with other concerns like divorce, retirement, my younger son, and their concomitant concerns like finance, time, and my own dwindling energy.
And I ask myself why I bother telling you all this. I don't know. I feel safe doing so, and I think you will reciprocate in your own way. You've already trusted me beyond what seemed prudent at the time. I contrast today with two years ago- I dreamed of divorce, retiring, going somewhere on my own, yadda yadda. Today, I'm three months single, a week plus from being unchained to my job. I'm two weeks from pulling weeds in the rose beds, sweeping leaves from the yard, and doing a lot of general sprucing up.
(Digression alert: I'll need some time to get those multitude of chores done- the downstairs toilet tank, the tub's lines, my son’s girlfriend’s dresser, my matchlock, the trees trimmed (though it might not be good to do that right now), removing the dead magnolia tree, digging up the ton of berries trying to get into my yard, removing the neighbor's ivy from my garden shed, cleaning out said shed, trimming the wisteria, making a few trips to the dumps with an old TV, old garden hose, remainders from my broken camper shell, yadda yadda. And then I've gotta deal with my project cars- the Mazda needs a motor, my F-100 needs a new gas tank, the LTD needs some motor work, I've gotta lose that parts pickup, my old Suzuki needs some electrical work, Richie's motorcycle needs carb jets, his tiny motorcycle needs a crank seal, my old lawn mowers need some work, the front door needs refinishing, both decks need some attention, the lattice over the back deck needs replacing, the wallpaper in the master bath has to be repaired (My ex-wife started tearing it out, but only got it half torn away), the rugs need cleaning, the cement needs to be power-washed, annnnnd ... oh, maybe I've left out a few hundred things. Did I tell you more than you wanted to know? Hee, hee ...)
But I find a bit of serenity here- I have a few good constants going for me. I have my mind, which is apparently, if albeit subjectively, in working order. I have some measure of health. I have sufficient resources to survive moderately for awhile, and I have options. I can rent or sell my house; I can live nearby or far away; I can stay retired or I can find another job; I can remain a grumpy bachelor or I can attempt some sort of committment. And I have some good people on my side. I've got you to bounce ideas and emotions off, I've got my big son who is smarter and stronger than I am, I've got an amazing photographer friend in Australia who likes me the way I am, I've got my shrink and a former colleague in DC who convinced me to see a shrink in the first place. I've also got myself. I'm my own very good resource. Things aren't quite as good as they might have been, but nothing's so desperately hopeless that depression is the only consequence. My own Big Choices may turn out to be not the best- should I retire today and not next year? Perhaps, but the consequences won't be so terrible. Should I choose California and not Texas? Maybe, but either is pretty good.
Trepidation and anticipation. My blog grows.
# posted by rich @ 9:35 AM 
