Blather

Wiederholung des “All That Jazz”

From 2007: This is an email to a Michigan friend in October 2004.

I had a thought but it evaporated. It was about what I wanted, what might be the One Big Thing in my life.

I remember when I got back from Romania, I was confused about how I felt- at the time I genuinely loved two women. When I had to choose, I got an ulcer. I survived and discovered I could really live without one of them. Things happened, the other one (yeah, my wife) pushed me away, and it seems I'm all right without what I'd like to have from her.

Nearly a year ago, I found by poking around in my personal psyche, I could be happy with just myself- I didn't feel lost with the knowledge that my wife did not love me like I hoped she would. Not quite the same emotional "high" that we'd had before, but I guess it was like that quasi-Lenny Bruce scene from "All that Jazz" where you get beyond denial to acceptance. I have accepted that she won't give me what I'd like to have, so ... I just accept what she gives.

In my own petty, petulant way, I've found that I don't need to give her too much of me, either. I don't know if this will lead to an emotional amputation, but that seems the most appropriate poetic similarity to what I'm feeling- like you might feel if you somehow lost a hand. Sure, tying your shoes would be nearly impossible at first, but you'd find a way, and after a while, you might wonder "What's the big deal about two hands?" You would, for sure, remember how easily you succeeded at many things with both hands, but you are now successful with just one. Your logical, mental side would remember how natural and normal you lived with both hands, but wishing you had two won't bring the lost one back, so you "accept" what you have and go on from there.

Of course, there might be a difference- no matter how much you tried, you'd not get your hand back. I could try harder to get my old wife back, but it's now to the point where I think I can function more than satisfactorily with what she's giving me.

Strangely enough, the thing that's missing- intimacy- seems to affect her, too. She knows I've stopped trying to please her as often and as much as before, and she seems nicer to me in spite of my ... well, maybe "indifference" might be a good way to describe me.

I appreciate what she does for me, but I don't go out of my way to be nice to her. One of the most visible ways is sex- since she cannot (for her own reasons) initiate any sexual episodes, she depends on me to do so. Since last fall, I've only gone to her when all the factors are good for me- am I sleepy? Then I just go to sleep. Would I rather watch TV? That's what I do. Is she playing her little hand-held Solitaire game? Then not now. Is she busy with something else? OK, another time. Thus our sex has dwindled from every other day to ... oh, maybe once a month. I'm not really keeping stats, it's just that sex is a once-in-a-while thing for us instead of "Has it been a couple of days? Maybe we'd better close the door."

Another thing is what we'll do when I retire. We've had some easy conversations and some a bit more tense about what we'll do. The condo is listed; we've got a deal in the works. (Nothing 100% definite, but we're hoping soon.) When we get the money, what will we do? One thing might be to pay down the mortgage on this house till it's manageable on my retirement salary. Hard to say precisely, but the mortgage has to be small. She has said, "You do what you want with your half of the money and I'll do what I want with mine." I think this means, "I don't want to pay down the mortgage that far."

She'll go belly up. I'd hate for my son to suffer a lot, so I'm going to make sure I have a two-bedroom place wherever I go. I'd rather stay here, but not if I have to go back to work to make payments.

She seems to have fallen into a negotiating style of "my way or the highway." Is this a remnant of her "I am woman hear me roar!" style from a few years ago? I don't know. I think this is a page from her mother whom she despises and does not respect.

I know that she has abandoned her "I'll do what I want on the net and if you don't like it, tough shit" attitude. She had cammed an Australian guy a lot, had another guy from Canada trying to meet her in Sacramento, and made a date or two with a guy from across the bay. She says she never went, yadda yadda. Well, she might have dropped these guys for her own reasons. It seems she's not on the net much. Of course, she's home all day while I'm at work, so I can't be sure. Aside: I'm not sure it would bother me much if I discovered she's camming during the day, etc. What I don't like is that I’ve had to abandon some of my online friends because she's unilaterally decided that she wants to stop net friendships, so I have to, too.

I've been having an image- I see myself living somewhere by myself. Texas is most convenient, but it doesn't have to be Texas. I see myself with my laptop, doing what I want. I see myself cooking, cleaning, washing up, gardening, etc. With no full-time job, I don't see this is much trouble. Maybe I can make eight hours out of keeping house, but it doesn't matter. I like to watch TV, surf the net, cook what I want to eat, go fishing, camping, hit a few golf balls, etc.

If I stay here, I think I could do pretty much all of that, except it might take me awhile to undo the mess they've left here- every room has clutter, the cars need tune-ups and oil changes, the yard needs attention, etc. Another option might be an RV. I might get a trailer or motor home, and then I could do what I want in MY own space. And if I feel like driving to Texas for a while, I could. Am I sounding petulant? I sure hope not. The notion that I might be able to do what I want without my family's approval is tempting, however.

Will my "I am Man, hear me Roar" attitude (yeah, just like Helen Reddy's, but the gender-specific flip side) compel me to seek physical feminine companionship? I don't think so. Time was, I thought 100% intimacy with a woman was the best thing, the only thing that made life worthwhile. Well, this fruit has thorns. Taste the sweetness and you might feel the barb. I think for now, my answer might be, "Nope, no thanks." Women can be people, too- you talk with them, you interact with them at the grocery store or barber shop, like that. But liking someone as a grocer or haircutter doesn't mean you have to fall in love with them as a woman. I like women, and hope I can always have some friends. I'm just not looking for One Special Woman, a Life-Mate.

On the practical side, I've been looking at Craigslist for RVs. Money is an issue that's always in the back of my mind. How much would a new motor for my pickup cost? How long would it take me to install it? Could my old truck pull a 5000-lb trailer? An 8000-lb
trailer? Heck, for the money I'm considering ($5000-8000), I could even buy a 35-foot bus and make my own home. Having never done this, I don't know what the extra expenses might be- how much will a propane fridge cost? Propane stove? Water heater with pump for a shower? The shower itself? What if I can't fit a shower through the door of the bus? Aw, you get the picture- lots of maybes, more than lots of questions.

But remember where I started with all this- a tenuous ennui, some sort of "I'm not sure, but maybe I'd be all right on my own" kind of thing.

What happened to my desperate feeling of "My wife is the only woman in the world for me?" I dunno. I labored for a few years trying to balance my desperation of life without her with my sense that she was unreasonable. Is/was she unreasonable? Probably not in her eyes. Can I understand how I might have done the same? Aw, maybe. It's just that, for me, life without her is no longer such a fearsome tragedy. I'd like to have my kids around, but it matters less if she's around.

You're saying, "Perhaps the best thing would be to do nothing, just hang around here and see how things shake out?" Aye, that's an option. But I'd really like to enjoy my retirement. I would like an RV so I can travel. Texas, Minnesota, here I come. Maine, too, maybe. I'd also like some $$$ so I can travel- Rotterdam, Australia, Germany, Italy, Switzerland, Norway and Sweden. And, if my health is all right, Bishkek and Kazakhstan. Even Romania, though I'm not sure I want to see my old Romanian lover again. I don't know about South America. Never been there, so I don't know if I'd like it. But I sure do like these places I've been to.

I'd sure hate to wake up one morning and find out my health is so deteriorated I can only shuffle off to the toilet and sit on the couch with the TV plipper. I think I'd like some photos of the Montana skyline, some Minnesota lakes, the Texas plains, and some standard things like the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone. Get those things under my belt, I might not feel so bad about being old and decrepit. Heck, I might find something else I like, like living in Wyoming or Minnesota.

More from 2007: Very prophetic, this old email.

The condo sold quickly, we netted a smidgeon less than the entire mortgage on this house. We put the money in our checking account.

Shortly after this was penned, she demanded that I stop emailing everyone. I balked. She stopped “having sex” with me then. (We hadn’t “made love” long before that point.) That’s when she surreptitiously took “her” half and put it in an place where I couldn’t know. Took me several months to discover what she’d done. I’m confidant that my daughter knew, but she made the decision to not say anything to me.

She has alienated my small son from me. The court order says he has to be with me every other weekend but she won’t let him bring his homework. Thus I’m excluded from a very important part of his life. She hasn’t worked since 2001, yet she takes quarterly vacations to Disney. If pressed, she’ll avow that she does work- four weekends in December at Dickens Fair. Oh, maybe it’s five weekends. Not exactly the kind of employment that leads to multiple resort trips, is it?

Texas still looks good as a place to live, though I’m also considering the Midwest- Minnesota, Wisconsin and North Dakota are folders in my real estate searches.

Other issues may appear later on, and that’s what this blog is for. 7