Thursday, January 12, 2006
Shameful Blogging
My shrink's eyebrows went up a bit when I told her about my blog. She seemed surprised that I would put my personal life up on the web for the whole world to see. Well, she has a point. I've got my real name there, and my real job title, so maybe I should be a bit circumspect. But I learned from the bad ol' commie days, that something can only hurt you socially, if you let it. The Foreign Circus told us, "Don't discuss your personal life because the walls have ears." And if someone knows you have something that could be exploited, you'll end up giving away the federal farm. Eventually, I decided that this would work only if I let it. So if I sincerely didn't give a damn what anyone knew, I would be that much freer.
The deal here is- why put my divorce in a blog, from a shrinky perspective? I don't know. Part of it may include the pain of keeping this Big, Dirty, Dark Shameful Secret from the world. By publishing it, the entire thing is no longer Big, Dirty, Dark, yadda yadda.
Though I don't advertise my imminent divorce, if it comes up, I'll just admit to it and try to go from there. I suspect there will be a lot of buzz around the workplace, but I can't help that.
Talking about what's bothering you (or me) seems to help. And putting up what happens to me in blog form seems to have that same benefit. Sure, there's a bit of fear about telling the whole world something that could be embarassing, but there's also the healthy aspect of just saying "I'm getting a divorce."
One thing that I've found within me is anger. Not an instantaneous flare-up over stubbing my toe, but an ongoing kind of anger over her mishandling the finances to the point where divorce is my only hope for some kind of financial stability. This is new for me. And taking action in response to my anger, that's also new. I could easily have just absorbed the loss, and tried to keep her. But one stubborn part of me says, "Nope. She's done messed up too much" as if you could quantify "messing up" and decided subjectively that "this much" is forgiveable, but "that much" is unforgiveable." I don't know that I could have decided this five years ago, when I was only 55. Now that I'm 60, it seems more appropriate, in a lopsided way. That's the emotional side. The logical side is telling me that five years ago, I'd have had five more years to get my finances in order. So I win some, I lose some. 'Tis exceedingly strange, this divorce/no divorce business. And blogging is both beneficial and risky.
The deal here is- why put my divorce in a blog, from a shrinky perspective? I don't know. Part of it may include the pain of keeping this Big, Dirty, Dark Shameful Secret from the world. By publishing it, the entire thing is no longer Big, Dirty, Dark, yadda yadda.
Though I don't advertise my imminent divorce, if it comes up, I'll just admit to it and try to go from there. I suspect there will be a lot of buzz around the workplace, but I can't help that.
Talking about what's bothering you (or me) seems to help. And putting up what happens to me in blog form seems to have that same benefit. Sure, there's a bit of fear about telling the whole world something that could be embarassing, but there's also the healthy aspect of just saying "I'm getting a divorce."
One thing that I've found within me is anger. Not an instantaneous flare-up over stubbing my toe, but an ongoing kind of anger over her mishandling the finances to the point where divorce is my only hope for some kind of financial stability. This is new for me. And taking action in response to my anger, that's also new. I could easily have just absorbed the loss, and tried to keep her. But one stubborn part of me says, "Nope. She's done messed up too much" as if you could quantify "messing up" and decided subjectively that "this much" is forgiveable, but "that much" is unforgiveable." I don't know that I could have decided this five years ago, when I was only 55. Now that I'm 60, it seems more appropriate, in a lopsided way. That's the emotional side. The logical side is telling me that five years ago, I'd have had five more years to get my finances in order. So I win some, I lose some. 'Tis exceedingly strange, this divorce/no divorce business. And blogging is both beneficial and risky.
