Friday, July 27, 2007
Retired a week
The players- moi- 62-years-old, retired a week; my 15-year-old son Schaffe; my older son Richie; my ex-wife Bonnie. In the wings- my daughter and my older son's girlfriend.
I recently received an email from a very smart and happily secure woman in DC. I got to know this woman when she wrote an article in our agency's newsletter and I emailed her how much I liked it. She replied and we got to know each other. She married a great guy a few years ago. My divorce became final a few months ago. This is an edited version of my reply to her.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’m feeling retired. My truck got fixed. Getting two dental implants. Bonnie took Schaffe and my daughter on a three-week fawncy-schmawnzy vacation.
Being retired- I felt strange because I gave up my gun and creds, right? Well, that’s over. I have temporal pressures, but these are only indirectly related to work- if I’d kept working six and seven days per week, I’d never have gotten around to working on the house. ‘Tis a chicken and egg, iterative thing- as long as I work, I don’t need the money to leave. But as long as I work, I won’t have the time to do the work to leave: I'd be working only so I could keep working. Sure, I could have prolonged this awkward situation. But I couldn’t have worked until the mortgage went away, in another 29 years. So I’m my own boss, working for myself, trying to get things done so I can leave.
My “job” now is to fix up the house and rent it or sell it. Two levels of “fixing up” are involved. A lower, less expensive level to rent it and a higher, more expensive level to sell it. I had about $20K stashed away to accomplish this. But my teeth and truck have eaten away a lot of that.
My truck- Oh, that GV (Gear Vendor) over/underdrive thing works really well!! The instructions say don't use it under 18 mph. More like 30 mph. But that’s fine- I’m used to the gears and don’t look for a lower RPM till I get on the freeway. I pull up on the valve and it shifts higher, about a half a gear. In fourth gear with the Gear Vendor energized, it feels very much like 5th gear without GV. This is where I’ll be doing my towing- the robust fourth transmission gear plus GV. Not towing, I energize GV when I shift into fifth and cruise at 70 doing 1250 RPM. I really like this set-up. That’s the good part. The bad part is – it is expensive and I’m eating into my retirement funds.
And it never rains but it pours dental situation: I’ve been putting off getting dental implants. Can’t any longer- my dentist says my bone mass is getting thinner and he’ll now have to do some bone grafts to get the work done on my upper left side. The bone on my lower right side seemed OK enough that two days ago, he did some clever artisanship there- sliced open my gum, drilled a 4 mm hole 11 mm deep, and used a leeetle tiny ratchet to insert the titanium plug into my jawbone. The plug is internally threaded, too, for a stud onto which he’ll attach a fake tooth, like a crown without the real tooth stem to attach it to. That was the easier tooth. The other one will require some bone grafts because it’s close to my sinus cavity. And I have a separate crown coming, right next to the pending dental implant. The couple of cavities I need filled seem hardly worth mentioning.
I got a phone call from Schaffe on Tuesday- he was in L.A. on the first leg of their three-week vacation. I think Bonnie's plan is to play at Disneyland for awhile, then fly to Disney World for more vacation. Schaffe’s in a tough place- if he looks too hard at the situation, he’ll decide his monetarily moronic mother is fiscally foolish. (Can you tell I love alliteration?) And if he blithely enjoys two different Mickey places, various plane flights, different Mickey hotel rooms and all the room service he can eat, he’ll feel like a mere brain-dead amoeba of a baby. He can’t choose either way. He can’t decide his mother is making a mistake and he can’t decide it’s fine to spend money she hasn’t earned. Why? One part of his mind knows his mother hasn’t worked since 2001. Another part of his mind can’t help but enjoy the “fun, fun, fun and more fun” aspect.
I’ve been doing a bit of noodling, working with facts I have and trying to guess at facts I don’t have. Zillow.com reports some sort of “sale” at Bonnie’s aunt’s house last September for $117K. (This might be Bonnie borrowing enough to buy her sister’s interest and keep a cushion and/or this could be her sister “selling” her interest to Bonnie.) Last January, Bonnie’s attorney asked if she could have $100K from Bonnie’s $243K equity escrow account. I said, "Sure." I assumed that she was out of money. She’s bought a wide-ass HDTV, three computers, a fridge, and a houseful of furniture and furnishings. ($12K-$30K?) And she’s had to subsist at a modestly elegant level each month. (Or should that be "elegantly modest?") I’m thinking she’s had maybe $10K-$15K in attorney’s fees, as have I. Since she moved out, I think her rent has cost her a bunch because she lives in a very nice house in a good neighborhood. How long can she survive without working? I can’t know. Maybe she'll run out of money in a year and a half; maybe in eight years. A lot depends on how many vacations she takes with no job to pay for them. Family Court says she’ll have Schaffe for the next three years. I suspect she'll try to keep him beyond his childhood, like she has my 29-year-old daughter. I hope he doesn’t have to graduate high school while they're living out of her car because she's spent all her money on vacations.
From the smart and secure woman's email- My comments are between ***astericks***
I'm glad you're still continuing sessions with Schaffe -- whether you notice or know it or not, they help him. ***I told him he should listen to his shrink because he is on Schaffe’s side, not Bonnie’s nor mine. Sure he gets paid to be a professional friend, but that’s fine because he is a professional while Bonnie and I are not, plus Bonnie and I are biased.***
It all goes toward his integration into adult life. ***Hope he sees that shrinking will help him get closer to becoming an adult.***
He's afraid to express feelings because he's afraid nobody will love him if he expresses a negative one. ***I don’t know why he is like he is. I suspect Bonnie has a lot to do with that- he really doesn’t want to upset her. He’s talked about “consequences” of disappointing her. I’ve said to him that he knows disappointing me brings fewer consequences, that’s why I don’t insist he bring his homework to my house. I’ll deal with Bonnie on that issue, not with Schaffe.***
Being candid might get him "killed" (in an emotional, parent-being-mad-at-you sense). If you make the parent monkey mad and it abandons you, then you will die. Animal brain stuff -- instinct. He just knows that's how it feels. *** Yep. Very astute. I see through your prose a bit more clearly into Schaffe’s motivation. Thanks.***
In your last e-mail, you commented on my comment that you have to let Schaffe find his own way. I'm glad that you get that now -- he DOES have to find his own way, even if it's not your way. ***I have tried to tell him something like this- I tell him that I won’t treat him like a baby- I’ll let him make his own decisions, but he’ll have to live with them, too. I think living with your choices is integral to being grown up, and I want him to see this, too. When he makes a decision that affects me, I'll let him know he's done that, and that he'll have to live with the subsequent issues. To be a better, less harsh parent, I try to make these "tough choices" revolve around things that are inconsequential- cheese or meat pizza? this movie or that movie? When the time comes for him to make a mature, can't-undo-this kind of choice, I'll see if I can't make it as easy for him as I can. But I'll also get him to see that he's making the choice himself. ***
And he has to grow up by himself, not on your terms or Bonnie's terms. ***Here’s the part that bothers me- I see very little progress in his growth as an adult. But this is where I have to apply what I learned about my relationship with Bonnie- I can’t control her behavior, only mine. In a very similar way, this also applies to Schaffe- I can’t force him to grow up, I can only accept his mature or immature behavior. I'll ask him to make the more mature choice, but I won't insist that he do as I say merely because that's what I think is more mature.***
It will happen in his own time ... I was grown up at 6. My brother is still a little boy at 48. ***Richie was a small adult at seven. Responsible, sensible, trustworthy. When he was 16, I let him walk behind me through the woods with a real pistol loaded with real bullets in his hand. In some ways, we never grow up. As long as you make most of your choices in a sensible manner, you’re pretty grown up. Part of Schaffe’s psyche today is NOT making choices. I’m not sure how this reflects on his maturity or lack thereof. ***
That's just the way it goes -- people are different, and the important thing is that Schaffe find a way to deal with himself and move around in the world on his terms. I'm glad you're seeing that now. ***What I see is the possibility of him failing to grow up at all, of remaining his mother’s baby forever, forever dependent on her financially and emotionally. (See below for irony.) My crystal ball is cloudy beyond a couple of months. Sure, I can hope he’ll grow up fine. But I can’t know that. This is the part I’m beginning to accept- that my small son might become some sort of paternal failure. What I’m beginning to accept more is that California, in its inescapable Family Court wisdom, has decreed that Bonnie shall make decisions regarding Schaffe while I remain a biweekly diversion for him. Yes, I’m cynical about her ability and about “da system,” but the part that I’m learning to accept is that I can’t really force a change for what would be (in my mind) a better alternative for Schaffe- more time with me. Kinda like a legal cancer event in one's life- it happens, and rather than rail at something you can’t change, you accept it and do what you can with that event. ***
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Irony from above: This is identical to the way Bonnie's mother treated all her children, and may be one reason Bonnie has been estranged from her mother for a couple of decades. Bonnie's mother used her children to get what she wanted. And what she wanted resembles a lot what Bonnie's getting - a "lifestyle" that's a bit elegant. OK, we're not talking Learjets and winters in Gstaad. But we are talking a couple of "nice" cars, the best TV in the store, and taking vacations that well-to-do people take. To wit- what do a week at Disneyland and two weeks at Disney World cost? And if you haven't held a job since 2001? Bonnie's mother was like that- for her, the value of shopping was picking things out and laying a credit card on the counter. Did you need the items? Well, if you didn't already own them, then the answer is a resounding "Yes!" Though Bonnie has rejected her mother, Bonnie, too, gets this unblinking mode when she goes shopping. I see Bonnie's mother in Bonnie- the Most Important Thing is having money, now, to choose what you want, now. Yes, this is subjective, hardly clinical, and a bit biased. But I don't think I'm far from the truth.
Additionally, Bonnie's mother required obedience. Oh, you could cheat a little, lie a little, even be hostile. But you could not, not NOT question the unspoken tenets of Bonnie's mother's life- if she said something twisted, you had to accept that. What do I mean? When I finally got my degree, we shared the news with her mom. Might be, that threatened her in some way- maybe I was "better" than she because I graduated. How did Bonnie's mom fix this emotional situation? She told us that she had TWO degrees. Not from a state college, but from Cal Berkeley. Of course, one has to ask why a woman with two degrees didn't work, nor why she was married to a longshoreman, but no one asked. I didn't ask because she was my wife's mother. My wife might have had suspicions about her mother's veracity, but she, too, let it slide. The sad part was Bonnie's dad bought it, hook, line and sinker. My point here is that Bonnie's mother twisted reality by speaking a lie and getting everyone to accept it.
Bonnie is like her mother in this respect- you can not, not NOT reject any critical component of Bonnie's ethos. If she chooses a cheeseburger and you want a fish taco, that's fine. But one dare not reject Bonnie's beliefs in "keeping a little bit back" financially nor in her "lifestyle" choices like the 60-inch HDTV that she "needs" or her quarterly Disney visits. Once she spins reality her way, no one dare argue that maa-aaybe life ain't quite so.
But this shouldn't devolve into a denunciation of Bonnie, this should remain about me and my week-old retirement, my sons and where I'm heading.
Yep, this blog is mostly for me. If anyone reads this and gleans anything useful, that's great. But I gotta believe that I'm the one benefiting the most from this blog. Will the random reader get a bit of vicarious thrill, a-twitter with "Gee, I'm glad this isn't happening to me?" Sure, that's possible. From time to time, I come back and read comments. Anything good, please send it in. Anything else, go ahead.
Darn, I don't have any suitable photos to put up with this post. S'all right, I don't know how to insert a photo anyway.
I recently received an email from a very smart and happily secure woman in DC. I got to know this woman when she wrote an article in our agency's newsletter and I emailed her how much I liked it. She replied and we got to know each other. She married a great guy a few years ago. My divorce became final a few months ago. This is an edited version of my reply to her.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’m feeling retired. My truck got fixed. Getting two dental implants. Bonnie took Schaffe and my daughter on a three-week fawncy-schmawnzy vacation.
Being retired- I felt strange because I gave up my gun and creds, right? Well, that’s over. I have temporal pressures, but these are only indirectly related to work- if I’d kept working six and seven days per week, I’d never have gotten around to working on the house. ‘Tis a chicken and egg, iterative thing- as long as I work, I don’t need the money to leave. But as long as I work, I won’t have the time to do the work to leave: I'd be working only so I could keep working. Sure, I could have prolonged this awkward situation. But I couldn’t have worked until the mortgage went away, in another 29 years. So I’m my own boss, working for myself, trying to get things done so I can leave.
My “job” now is to fix up the house and rent it or sell it. Two levels of “fixing up” are involved. A lower, less expensive level to rent it and a higher, more expensive level to sell it. I had about $20K stashed away to accomplish this. But my teeth and truck have eaten away a lot of that.
My truck- Oh, that GV (Gear Vendor) over/underdrive thing works really well!! The instructions say don't use it under 18 mph. More like 30 mph. But that’s fine- I’m used to the gears and don’t look for a lower RPM till I get on the freeway. I pull up on the valve and it shifts higher, about a half a gear. In fourth gear with the Gear Vendor energized, it feels very much like 5th gear without GV. This is where I’ll be doing my towing- the robust fourth transmission gear plus GV. Not towing, I energize GV when I shift into fifth and cruise at 70 doing 1250 RPM. I really like this set-up. That’s the good part. The bad part is – it is expensive and I’m eating into my retirement funds.
And it never rains but it pours dental situation: I’ve been putting off getting dental implants. Can’t any longer- my dentist says my bone mass is getting thinner and he’ll now have to do some bone grafts to get the work done on my upper left side. The bone on my lower right side seemed OK enough that two days ago, he did some clever artisanship there- sliced open my gum, drilled a 4 mm hole 11 mm deep, and used a leeetle tiny ratchet to insert the titanium plug into my jawbone. The plug is internally threaded, too, for a stud onto which he’ll attach a fake tooth, like a crown without the real tooth stem to attach it to. That was the easier tooth. The other one will require some bone grafts because it’s close to my sinus cavity. And I have a separate crown coming, right next to the pending dental implant. The couple of cavities I need filled seem hardly worth mentioning.
I got a phone call from Schaffe on Tuesday- he was in L.A. on the first leg of their three-week vacation. I think Bonnie's plan is to play at Disneyland for awhile, then fly to Disney World for more vacation. Schaffe’s in a tough place- if he looks too hard at the situation, he’ll decide his monetarily moronic mother is fiscally foolish. (Can you tell I love alliteration?) And if he blithely enjoys two different Mickey places, various plane flights, different Mickey hotel rooms and all the room service he can eat, he’ll feel like a mere brain-dead amoeba of a baby. He can’t choose either way. He can’t decide his mother is making a mistake and he can’t decide it’s fine to spend money she hasn’t earned. Why? One part of his mind knows his mother hasn’t worked since 2001. Another part of his mind can’t help but enjoy the “fun, fun, fun and more fun” aspect.
I’ve been doing a bit of noodling, working with facts I have and trying to guess at facts I don’t have. Zillow.com reports some sort of “sale” at Bonnie’s aunt’s house last September for $117K. (This might be Bonnie borrowing enough to buy her sister’s interest and keep a cushion and/or this could be her sister “selling” her interest to Bonnie.) Last January, Bonnie’s attorney asked if she could have $100K from Bonnie’s $243K equity escrow account. I said, "Sure." I assumed that she was out of money. She’s bought a wide-ass HDTV, three computers, a fridge, and a houseful of furniture and furnishings. ($12K-$30K?) And she’s had to subsist at a modestly elegant level each month. (Or should that be "elegantly modest?") I’m thinking she’s had maybe $10K-$15K in attorney’s fees, as have I. Since she moved out, I think her rent has cost her a bunch because she lives in a very nice house in a good neighborhood. How long can she survive without working? I can’t know. Maybe she'll run out of money in a year and a half; maybe in eight years. A lot depends on how many vacations she takes with no job to pay for them. Family Court says she’ll have Schaffe for the next three years. I suspect she'll try to keep him beyond his childhood, like she has my 29-year-old daughter. I hope he doesn’t have to graduate high school while they're living out of her car because she's spent all her money on vacations.
From the smart and secure woman's email- My comments are between ***astericks***
I'm glad you're still continuing sessions with Schaffe -- whether you notice or know it or not, they help him. ***I told him he should listen to his shrink because he is on Schaffe’s side, not Bonnie’s nor mine. Sure he gets paid to be a professional friend, but that’s fine because he is a professional while Bonnie and I are not, plus Bonnie and I are biased.***
It all goes toward his integration into adult life. ***Hope he sees that shrinking will help him get closer to becoming an adult.***
He's afraid to express feelings because he's afraid nobody will love him if he expresses a negative one. ***I don’t know why he is like he is. I suspect Bonnie has a lot to do with that- he really doesn’t want to upset her. He’s talked about “consequences” of disappointing her. I’ve said to him that he knows disappointing me brings fewer consequences, that’s why I don’t insist he bring his homework to my house. I’ll deal with Bonnie on that issue, not with Schaffe.***
Being candid might get him "killed" (in an emotional, parent-being-mad-at-you sense). If you make the parent monkey mad and it abandons you, then you will die. Animal brain stuff -- instinct. He just knows that's how it feels. *** Yep. Very astute. I see through your prose a bit more clearly into Schaffe’s motivation. Thanks.***
In your last e-mail, you commented on my comment that you have to let Schaffe find his own way. I'm glad that you get that now -- he DOES have to find his own way, even if it's not your way. ***I have tried to tell him something like this- I tell him that I won’t treat him like a baby- I’ll let him make his own decisions, but he’ll have to live with them, too. I think living with your choices is integral to being grown up, and I want him to see this, too. When he makes a decision that affects me, I'll let him know he's done that, and that he'll have to live with the subsequent issues. To be a better, less harsh parent, I try to make these "tough choices" revolve around things that are inconsequential- cheese or meat pizza? this movie or that movie? When the time comes for him to make a mature, can't-undo-this kind of choice, I'll see if I can't make it as easy for him as I can. But I'll also get him to see that he's making the choice himself. ***
And he has to grow up by himself, not on your terms or Bonnie's terms. ***Here’s the part that bothers me- I see very little progress in his growth as an adult. But this is where I have to apply what I learned about my relationship with Bonnie- I can’t control her behavior, only mine. In a very similar way, this also applies to Schaffe- I can’t force him to grow up, I can only accept his mature or immature behavior. I'll ask him to make the more mature choice, but I won't insist that he do as I say merely because that's what I think is more mature.***
It will happen in his own time ... I was grown up at 6. My brother is still a little boy at 48. ***Richie was a small adult at seven. Responsible, sensible, trustworthy. When he was 16, I let him walk behind me through the woods with a real pistol loaded with real bullets in his hand. In some ways, we never grow up. As long as you make most of your choices in a sensible manner, you’re pretty grown up. Part of Schaffe’s psyche today is NOT making choices. I’m not sure how this reflects on his maturity or lack thereof. ***
That's just the way it goes -- people are different, and the important thing is that Schaffe find a way to deal with himself and move around in the world on his terms. I'm glad you're seeing that now. ***What I see is the possibility of him failing to grow up at all, of remaining his mother’s baby forever, forever dependent on her financially and emotionally. (See below for irony.) My crystal ball is cloudy beyond a couple of months. Sure, I can hope he’ll grow up fine. But I can’t know that. This is the part I’m beginning to accept- that my small son might become some sort of paternal failure. What I’m beginning to accept more is that California, in its inescapable Family Court wisdom, has decreed that Bonnie shall make decisions regarding Schaffe while I remain a biweekly diversion for him. Yes, I’m cynical about her ability and about “da system,” but the part that I’m learning to accept is that I can’t really force a change for what would be (in my mind) a better alternative for Schaffe- more time with me. Kinda like a legal cancer event in one's life- it happens, and rather than rail at something you can’t change, you accept it and do what you can with that event. ***
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Irony from above: This is identical to the way Bonnie's mother treated all her children, and may be one reason Bonnie has been estranged from her mother for a couple of decades. Bonnie's mother used her children to get what she wanted. And what she wanted resembles a lot what Bonnie's getting - a "lifestyle" that's a bit elegant. OK, we're not talking Learjets and winters in Gstaad. But we are talking a couple of "nice" cars, the best TV in the store, and taking vacations that well-to-do people take. To wit- what do a week at Disneyland and two weeks at Disney World cost? And if you haven't held a job since 2001? Bonnie's mother was like that- for her, the value of shopping was picking things out and laying a credit card on the counter. Did you need the items? Well, if you didn't already own them, then the answer is a resounding "Yes!" Though Bonnie has rejected her mother, Bonnie, too, gets this unblinking mode when she goes shopping. I see Bonnie's mother in Bonnie- the Most Important Thing is having money, now, to choose what you want, now. Yes, this is subjective, hardly clinical, and a bit biased. But I don't think I'm far from the truth.
Additionally, Bonnie's mother required obedience. Oh, you could cheat a little, lie a little, even be hostile. But you could not, not NOT question the unspoken tenets of Bonnie's mother's life- if she said something twisted, you had to accept that. What do I mean? When I finally got my degree, we shared the news with her mom. Might be, that threatened her in some way- maybe I was "better" than she because I graduated. How did Bonnie's mom fix this emotional situation? She told us that she had TWO degrees. Not from a state college, but from Cal Berkeley. Of course, one has to ask why a woman with two degrees didn't work, nor why she was married to a longshoreman, but no one asked. I didn't ask because she was my wife's mother. My wife might have had suspicions about her mother's veracity, but she, too, let it slide. The sad part was Bonnie's dad bought it, hook, line and sinker. My point here is that Bonnie's mother twisted reality by speaking a lie and getting everyone to accept it.
Bonnie is like her mother in this respect- you can not, not NOT reject any critical component of Bonnie's ethos. If she chooses a cheeseburger and you want a fish taco, that's fine. But one dare not reject Bonnie's beliefs in "keeping a little bit back" financially nor in her "lifestyle" choices like the 60-inch HDTV that she "needs" or her quarterly Disney visits. Once she spins reality her way, no one dare argue that maa-aaybe life ain't quite so.
But this shouldn't devolve into a denunciation of Bonnie, this should remain about me and my week-old retirement, my sons and where I'm heading.
Yep, this blog is mostly for me. If anyone reads this and gleans anything useful, that's great. But I gotta believe that I'm the one benefiting the most from this blog. Will the random reader get a bit of vicarious thrill, a-twitter with "Gee, I'm glad this isn't happening to me?" Sure, that's possible. From time to time, I come back and read comments. Anything good, please send it in. Anything else, go ahead.
Darn, I don't have any suitable photos to put up with this post. S'all right, I don't know how to insert a photo anyway.
# posted by rich @ 12:24 PM 
